John's To Do List


New boy on the block John Travulva has recently relocated from Glasgow to bring his stand-up to The 80's Show and he's pretty busy already....

1)     Get heavier Sporran for kilt – rest of Pecs boys are tae sexy, must weigh down respect for them for The 80s Show

2)     Ask rest of housing co-op where my parsnips went as have been replaced with carrots, the weak person’s parsnip

3)     Put note in fridge saying have drunk all milk but they can have my yoghurt as is basically just thick milk

4)     Prep romantic meal for Jane

5)     Prep romantic meal for Hans

6)     Prep self as meal for Brad

7)     Call Loose – pretend haven’t written own set for show to ease his panic

8)     Buy tampons – reject toxic masculinity, make all guests welcome

9)     Ask Cesar what a cigar is – is it an arsehole version of cigarette?

10)  Do meditative weights in front of Boy George poster to combat potential for absorbing normative concept of physical masculinity   

11)  Call Da re: last night’s game + celebrate Rangers’ success

12)  Call Grandda re: last night’s game + mourn Celtic’s failure

13)  Call Ma and console re: sectarian divide in family  

14)  Order crate of Irn Bru for winter

15)  Add Vitamin C tablets to Irn Bru batch – orange juice is just posh scurvy nectar, can get all its nutritional benefits without forsaking heritage by doing this   

16)  Slowly replace all orange juice in communal fridge with Irn Bru – will be character building for feeble English housemates

17)  Get back-sack-and-crack in prep for The 80’s Show

18)  Mainline Irn Bru