John's To Do List

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New boy on the block John Travulva has recently relocated from Glasgow to bring his stand-up to The 80's Show and he's pretty busy already....

1)     Get heavier Sporran for kilt – rest of Pecs boys are tae sexy, must weigh down respect for them for The 80s Show

2)     Ask rest of housing co-op where my parsnips went as have been replaced with carrots, the weak person’s parsnip

3)     Put note in fridge saying have drunk all milk but they can have my yoghurt as is basically just thick milk

4)     Prep romantic meal for Jane

5)     Prep romantic meal for Hans

6)     Prep self as meal for Brad

7)     Call Loose – pretend haven’t written own set for show to ease his panic

8)     Buy tampons – reject toxic masculinity, make all guests welcome

9)     Ask Cesar what a cigar is – is it an arsehole version of cigarette?

10)  Do meditative weights in front of Boy George poster to combat potential for absorbing normative concept of physical masculinity   

11)  Call Da re: last night’s game + celebrate Rangers’ success

12)  Call Grandda re: last night’s game + mourn Celtic’s failure

13)  Call Ma and console re: sectarian divide in family  

14)  Order crate of Irn Bru for winter

15)  Add Vitamin C tablets to Irn Bru batch – orange juice is just posh scurvy nectar, can get all its nutritional benefits without forsaking heritage by doing this   

16)  Slowly replace all orange juice in communal fridge with Irn Bru – will be character building for feeble English housemates

17)  Get back-sack-and-crack in prep for The 80’s Show

18)  Mainline Irn Bru

Cesar's Love Note

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Resident Lothario Cesar Jently has written a love note to ticket holders for The 80's Show...

Dear you,

I write having just smoked the last of my cigars, possibly my last cigar ever. The rest of the boys are making preparations for you, too – John Travulva is lowering the hem on his kilt to preserve his humongous modesty on stage, Drag King Cole is having his entire apartment floor converted into a mattress, Thrustin Limbersnake is lying on his front with two masseuses standing on his back and Loose Willis is on a 10K cross-country jazzercise as we speak. I hope you don’t mind me saying ‘as we speak’ – I say it because I can sense your response, in an edging towards me, an inching, an itching, a sexy-as-fuck all-over shiver in the direction of December 4th, when my mouth will be all yours. I hope you’ve got your ticket.

Until then,

Cesar. X

A Day in the Life of Loose Willis

We stole Loose's diary to share a sneak peek with you.... 

05.00 :

Wake up with the sun’s rays streaming through my windows. Why waste money on curtains when the sun is a free and natural alarm clock? Wriggle out of my sleeping bag and step out of my car to greet the day – and any traffic wardens

05.10 

Check my diary – oh my god! Only 11 days until the Pecs 80s Show at the Soho Theatre. Time is of the essence. I need to get ready, a full day lies ahead of me to hone my act 

11.30 

Wake up again. The adrenalin of being in the show made me want to have a nap. I should really get up and start rehearsing, need to stop procrastinating and practice for theshow

13.00

Wake up again to find my best friend Cesar Jently knocking on my window telling me to move my car. It's good to have friends to help #motivate you and #achieve your #goals ‍♂️

13.10

Cesar lets me use his house for practice. I get out my boombox and blast Van Halen’s seminal 1984 album 1984 while I lift some weights. All the girls are gonna ‘Jump’ when they see me 

13.15

Realise that I traded my weights for the boombox months ago. Looks like I’m gonna have to work out the old-fashioned way #caveman

13.35

Run around the house for a bit. Tired. Gonna take a break and watch some 1980s cartoons

14.00

Realise that the ninja turtles are way more buff than me. They have abs on their shells for god’s sake! Feel bad about self 

14.10

Call agent to see if they have any jobs for me – they don’t. But we have a very positive and enriching talk about my career

14.30

Remember that my agent moved away three months ago after embezzling all my money. Who was I speaking to? Never mind. I’ve got to practice for the Pecs 80s Show! 

15.45

I decide to recreate the classic Rocky IV montage with some good old-fashioned hill running, chin-ups and wood chopping. Feeling #unstoppable 

16.00

Cesar is mad that I used his antique coffee table for my wood chopping. What's a coffee table when there's the Pecs 80s show to prep for?!

16.10

Back outside. The fresh air will do me good!

16.30

Visit the cinema to watch seminal 1988 action movie Die Hard, starring my main man Bruce Willis, for inspiration

16.45

The guy at the cinema is being really unhelpful and keeps telling me I can’t watch Die Hard because it's not on anymore and maybe I'd like the Justice League instead. I say why the hell would I want to watch the Justice League when Die Hard exists and he can't disagree. I ask to speak to a manager about how this godforsaken establishment is run

17.00

Back outside. The fresh air will do me good! 

17.30

Roam the streets playing air guitar to Mötley Crüe’s seminal 1983 album Shout at the Devil. I’m so good I make a £10 tip from a lady who wants me to stop doing what I’m doing right now (presumably so she doesn't get any spoilers for the Pecs 80s Show). Donate it to Pecs at http://www.pecsdragkings.com/support-pecs/ – those boys need it more than I do

20.00

Walk back to Cesar’s house because I don’t have any change for the bus

21.15

Argue with Cesar that I shouldn’t be sleeping in my car now that I’m a #megastar and the show is a mere 11 days away

21.17

Beg Cesar to let me sleep indoors (turn on the waterworks)

21.20

Top and tail with Cesar. Dream of Bruce ️